Relationship breakups are not limited to those in their teens and in their twenties. These relationship breakups also happen during 40s- a time when health is deteriorating and people have a sense that a large part of their life may already be over on this planet. This realization gives them a sense of panic that they don’t have enough time left to find and enjoy love again. Let us see how you can deal with this phase of life successfully.
Understanding Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is something we should all be wary about. Not everybody realizes they are being taken for a ride and often the person we are in a relationship with will be rude to you take advantage of you. Just because you are soft spoken and nice does not give the other person a right to be abusive and emotionally manipulate you. Understand when your partner is being emotionally abusive and not being respectful towards you. You don’t deserve criticism, manipulation and humiliation. If you suspect any of these is happening to you, it is time to plan walking out.
Most people don’t like to talk about their break ups because they are afraid people will laugh at them. They see relationship breakup as a failure and don’t know how to overcome the feeling of grief and betrayal that comes with being dumped. The first few days are most difficult because the person who has been dumped is often in denial. The person keeps on thinking that perhaps the relationship will go back to the way it used to be.
You may miss the fun you had with your ex and perhaps long for the intimacy you both shared. The worst part is after a certain point you cannot talk about your pain to others as it becomes embarrassing and you don’t want others to see you as a weak person. You also don’t want to be seen as a whiny who is always on a complaining mode.
Forgiveness Does Not Always Work
While it is good to practice forgiveness in certain areas of life, too much forgiveness may lead you to being used as a door mat. Rude people have to be told that they require behavior correction. While it is good to understand the other’s point of view and be empathetic, it may not be in your best interest to always ignore a rude person’s behavior.
If the person you are into a relationship with is ill-treating you or not treating you with respect, then the best approach will be to speak openly about the problem instead of practicing forgiveness. The person you are involved with should be your emotional support and not someone who drains your energy every time you meet.
Understand Your Brain
Our brains are wired to see physical pain and emotional pain as same. Also, as you have been addicted to the person you were dating, it is difficult to de-addict from your behavior. Your brain will crave for your partner’s company in the same way it craves for sugar or your favorite food.
It is very easy to do the same thing again and again-each day of your life. Change is difficult and your brain understands that. Each time you think of changing the habit of thinking about your ex and getting over a relationship breakup, your brain will secrete certain chemicals.
Understand Your Ex
Many partners want to control the other person. They don’t want to make a commitment and are very elusive when you will ask where we stand.
If after a bad bout of such dialogues you attempt to walk away, the controlling person will feel curious or doesn’t want to let you go and will try to send you a message. You may jump in your bed after reading the text remembering the good sex, fun times and have high hopes of the relationship once again. However, in no time the person with a yo-yo mind will go back to his old behavior.
Recognize this repetitive pattern and avoid calling back once you see his missed call or a text on your WhatsApp inbox. If this has been a pattern for few years, realize that the other person will not change and it is time you moved on.
Are You in a Never-Ending Unhappy Loop?
Repetitive break-up cycles can become very toxic and actually harm your health. If you are in a loop of breaking up and making up for some time, realize that you are only doing this out of fear.
Fear comes in various shapes and forms including fear of being lonely, fear of never being able to find love again as you are ageing. This fear can lead to desperation and this leads to being trapped in a relationship that is empty and not fulfilling. What you deserve is not living in constant fear but someone who is giving you a sense of security and fulfilment each day.
Accepting the Grief of a Relationship Break-up
It is very important to accept that you are grieving after the death of a relationship and don’t criticize yourself for feeling low and empty. It is normal to feel all this. It is natural to feel as if you are not good enough, lonely and fearful of the future. Do not avoid feeling sad for few days and let emotions flow through your body. This is important for your healing because if you deny grief you may deny the loss and be under the false illusion that someday the person will come back to you.
Here is what you can do during the change period..
1. Be dignified
There is a very fine line between self-respect and pride. While pride walks hand in hand with ego, self- respect involves having a healthy self-love for yourself includes loving and respecting yourself for who you are.
Be dignified and don’t beg for a relationship if your gut tells you it is over between the two of you. The other person may feel pity on you and may try to check in on you to see if you are fine. Don’t let the other person see the weak side of you. Maintain your dignity and walk tall during this period without showing your emotional vulnerability to the other person.
2. Take charge of the situation
You are the person who is in charge of your own life. Say no to any attempts of reconciliations from the other person’s side who thrives on your adulation completely understanding that you are under the love spell.
Not many people are looking for marriage when they are in a relationship. This does not mean that the person you are dating will not be loyal to you or not be there when you need someone to be on your side.
3. Maintain zero contact with your partner
However tempting it may seem at the moment, it is best not to maintain contact with the person you have decided to move away from. Being in touch with the person or mutual friends will be a constant reminder of your relationship that went sour.
Instead, throw away all souvenirs or objects that may remind you of the person. It will be difficult in the beginning but as time passes your brain will have space for new things and slowly all old memories will be replaced with new ones.
4. Build up more relationships
When people are trying to give up smoking they are encouraged to chew gum. Chewing gum replaces the cigarette and gives the person something to do. Similarly a break up will leave some sort of a vacuum in your life. In order to combat that, it is advised to find replacements. In this case, relationship replacements will work wonders for you.
A human being forms relationship because of a social need. If you begin to make those connects with people around you, in no time you will feel warm and happy with the affection of those around you. This may not be romantic love and you may still crave intimacy. However, your time will be spent pleasantly with people you are not romantically involved with.
5. Take a note pad and maintain an exhaustive list of all the bad qualities your partner possesses
Your heart may only see the good points in your ex’s personality. But if you two are breaking up it is obvious things are not perfect with the other person.
It will do you a world of good if you can write down their bad qualities or things that upset you. Read this list often so that your mind begins to focus on their negative qualities. As time passes, you will gradually begin to see what is bad in the other person and will help you move on.
6. Change your surroundings and keep interesting things around you
Think about keeping fresh flowers on your desk or green plants in your home. Paint your home or if possible change your house if the relationship break up is really hurting you right now. Moving to a new location will help you make a new daily routine. The set of people you have been used to talking each day will change. This will breathe freshness into your life and enable you to forget your past.
7. Enroll in a new course
Learning something new will help you take your mind off the change you are going through at the moment. Your brain will begin to feed on new thoughts and ideas and slowly you will begin to enjoy your life once again.
If you have not updated your education in recent times, you can consider enrolling in a new degree course. A new qualification may get you a brand new job in a brand new city, which is a great way to start over your life.
8. Overcome your fear of a relationship break-up
Each day affirm to yourself that there are many people on this planet who can give you fulfilment. While you are going through a break up it is very easy to feel sad and fearful when you are sitting alone. You have to recognize such moments and tell yourself that people can fall in love several times in a life. Perhaps you are not able to find the right person because all your energies are currently being drained by thinking about your ex.
9. Take care of your health
During grieving one tends to forget taking care of health. It is easy to skip meals and wallow in self-pity. If you continue this self-destructive behavior, in no time you will become weak and perhaps become ill.
To combat this, make a note of what is happening to you and take special care of yourself. Drink water, juices, nuts, and go for long walks to keep your blood circulation healthy. Mild exercise will generate feel-good harmones in your body and will give you strength to cope with this difficult period in your life.
Most people associate meditation to old age. Truthfully, in the present times, we all need meditation irrespective of age. Take short breaks throughout the day and meditate to calm your mind. Practice thoughtlessness as it will give you instant relief from the ongoing pain you feel at the moment while going through a relationship breakup.
11. Managing your environment after a relationship breakup
Make sure that your immediate environment does not constantly remind you of your partner. Clear the clutter around your living space and remove all objects that remind you of the person. It may seem tough at the moment but throwing away the photographs and gifts will do you good in the long run. If you don’t have the strength to throw away the objects, at least stow them in a place where you will not see them often.
In the beginning, it will be tough for you to change your thoughts as your old programming will pull you towards your old behavior. Slowly, within few days you will learn to live without these daily reminders.
12. Become a giver
When you are in a relationship, you tend to focus on your needs and forget about the world around you. Once your pink bubble bursts, you come to see the real world around you. During post-split it is natural to feel low and feel sorry for yourself. These times will become easy if you start giving back to the society in some way. Start where you are. Start given classes to those who cannot afford tuitions or cook a warm meal for your maid. Give a cool drink to the sweeper who comes to your apartment or help an old person pay bills online. This list can be increased.
When you give, your focus will shift from you to others and a sense of well-being will fill your mind.
13. Be patient with yourself during this phase
Many a times a person takes time to get through a difficult breakup phase and slips while trying to keep a resolution. During such times it is important to be patient with oneself and not to be angry if you fail in any of your promises you have made to yourself, such as deciding not to check out your ex’s profile on Facebook.
14. See a therapist
If at any point of time you think you are unable to make it on your own, you should step out of your house and contact a therapist who will help you walk past this difficult phase of your life. Don’t be embarrassed to seek help as it is good to talk to specialist when you are low.
15. Minimizing impact of the memory of your partner
It is true that you cannot erase completely the memory of your partner from your mind. However, you can surely minimize its impact by using certain Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) practices and techniques. If you minimize the memory, it will become bearable for you to carry on with your life and be happy again.
Your brain is a repository of information and some information will always be stored there. Forgetting everything is not possible but keeping memories at back of your mind is very much possible and achievable task.
16. Let go of the past with NLP techniques
Thankfully, we now have several scientific technologies that can assist you in letting go of your past. It is human tendency to hold tightly anything sweet from your past. Recognize this tendency and work towards letting go of people once they become hostile towards you.
17. Being yourself
Acceptance of who you are is the first step to happiness. While you are breaking up with your partner there may be times when you are not sure of yourself and try to be someone else. For instance, your partner may have criticized you for your appearance, the way you talk or something as small as your food habits. Perhaps after spending time with this person you are thinking to change yourself just because you are not sure of yourself anymore. Try to shake off this feeling and just enjoy being yourself.